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When I was molested as a kid, I thought it was because of something I did. I felt scared and ashamed, Like part of me would never be the same. I was told to keep it a secret, And that I would get in trouble if I didn’t keep it. So I kept quiet. Buried it. Denied it. I didn’t know what to do, Or who to turn to. I didn’t know, That I could say “No!” I’ve always hated my story regarding sexual abuse, Until I realized that I could put it to good use. Because sadly my story

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The Making Of Baby J

Five years ago I started writing a kid’s book. We were living in Thailand and I created a character named Baby J. The book was called “Baby J Goes,” and its purpose was to teach kids about different cultures and that travel is fun. At the time, the whole travel theme didn’t feel right, because deep down I felt that “Baby J” had a bigger message than “travel is fun!” I didn’t know what the message was, but I knew I wanted “Baby J” to help kids and make an impact. I put that project aside after a while and

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The Letter I Wrote

 The other day I came across a letter that I wrote to myself a year ago. When I wrote this letter, I felt like I was at my lowest point. I was at a retreat and had just spent the day crying uncontrollably. I had just verbally acknowledged my messed up childhood in front of a group of people. After our group session, I was giving an exercise to write myself future self a letter, and this is what wrote… At the time, I didn’t believe one word of what I was writing. I didn’t think I would ever feel

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The Fear

I’ve been working on a project for the last 9 months. In the beginning, I was moving pretty fast, but now that the project is nearing completion I find myself stalling. To be honest, the whole project could have been done last month if I pressed hard enough, but I didn’t want to. I took me a while to figure out why I’ve been stalling and the reason is simple, I’m scared. What started out as exciting is now turning into fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of it not being good enough. Fear of being happy and feeling

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The Cheesecake

“The cheesecake is brown,” I said to myself. “It’ll be fine.” This reaction surprised me. There used to be a time when a brown cheesecake, instead of white, was unacceptable. In fact, this time last year, I would have tossed the whole thing into the sink and started over. Crazy behavior… I know, but this used to be me. I’ve always had a need for perfection. It didn’t become a real problem until I hit 26 and started addressing all my childhood issues. Addressing it all was so overwhelming. Molestation, abuse, and rape – my childhood was far from perfect.

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The Best Thing About Being Settled

We’ve been in our new place for 3 weeks and I’m starting to feel settled. We just need a couple more things to make it feel a bit more “homey.” The one thing I’m enjoying most about being settled is… my morning routine. Which is surprising since I normally hate getting up in the morning. But now that I have a routine, getting up isn’t so bad. And, sticking to it is so much easier now that we are in one spot. In the morning, I get up, work out, eat healthy and do some writing while watching the sunrise

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The Pearls (Poem)

This early morning mountain view, Has me thinking about me and you. Will I ever see you again? Was 8 years ago really the end? I found those pearls you gave me, you know the ones, You gave them to me the day I turned 21, 4 years before I told you that we were done. I cried and almost threw them away, But didn’t, because there was something sweet about that day. The pearls had me feeling emotional, Our relationship is so dysfunctional. It’s Bittersweet, I must confess, How can a pair of pearls turn me into such a

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6 Reasons To Ditch Your Phone

I recently participated in Rob’s Blackout Trip in Ireland. A Blackout Trip is where a group of people come together and “blackout” from technology. We went seven days with no tech. Here are my takeaways… 1. I use my phone as a safety clutch I’m not historically one to go up to someone new and start a conversation. When I’m in social settings where I don’t know anyone, I get nervous. When this happens, I pull out my phone and pretend to look busy so I don’t look like a loner. Pulling my phone out and pretending to be busy

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“Home”

After months of traveling Rob and I decided to sign a one year lease, and settle down for a bit. This decision feels good as I’m ready to be in one spot for a bit. As fun as traveling is, it’s hard to focus. I need routine and structure if I want accomplish all that I want to accomplish. This past week has been full of moving, unpacking, shopping, and never ending Amazon deliveries. The more we furnish our place the more real it becomes that we are settling down. As much as I want to settle down, I still

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4 Places To Seek Help From Sexual Abuse

Seeking help for sexual abuse is important. Sometimes it may feel like there is no one you can turn to. I know I felt like that before Rob was in my life, but even then I didn’t want to burden him with all of my pain. So, I sought help outside of him. If you feel like you need help, but don’t know who to turn to, keep reading… Who to turn to for help 1. Join a survivors group There are many support groups out there specifically for those who have been sexually abused. Being around others who share

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