The other day I came across a letter that I wrote to myself a year ago. When I wrote this letter, I felt like I was at my lowest point. I was at a retreat and had just spent the day crying uncontrollably. I had just verbally acknowledged my messed up childhood in front of a group of people. After our group session, I was giving an exercise to write myself future self a letter, and this is what wrote… At the time, I didn’t believe one word of what I was writing. I didn’t think I would ever feel
I’ve been working on a project for the last 9 months. In the beginning, I was moving pretty fast, but now that the project is nearing completion I find myself stalling. To be honest, the whole project could have been done last month if I pressed hard enough, but I didn’t want to. I took me a while to figure out why I’ve been stalling and the reason is simple, I’m scared. What started out as exciting is now turning into fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of it not being good enough. Fear of being happy and feeling
“The cheesecake is brown,” I said to myself. “It’ll be fine.” This reaction surprised me. There used to be a time when a brown cheesecake, instead of white, was unacceptable. In fact, this time last year, I would have tossed the whole thing into the sink and started over. Crazy behavior… I know, but this used to be me. I’ve always had a need for perfection. It didn’t become a real problem until I hit 26 and started addressing all my childhood issues. Addressing it all was so overwhelming. Molestation, abuse, and rape – my childhood was far from perfect.
We’ve been in our new place for 3 weeks and I’m starting to feel settled. We just need a couple more things to make it feel a bit more “homey.” The one thing I’m enjoying most about being settled is… my morning routine. Which is surprising since I normally hate getting up in the morning. But now that I have a routine, getting up isn’t so bad. And, sticking to it is so much easier now that we are in one spot. In the morning, I get up, work out, eat healthy and do some writing while watching the sunrise