The other day I came across a letter that I wrote to myself a year ago. When I wrote this letter, I felt like I was at my lowest point. I was at a retreat and had just spent the day crying uncontrollably. I had just verbally acknowledged my messed up childhood in front of a group of people. After our group session, I was giving an exercise to write myself future self a letter, and this is what wrote… At the time, I didn’t believe one word of what I was writing. I didn’t think I would ever feel
I’ve been working on a project for the last 9 months. In the beginning, I was moving pretty fast, but now that the project is nearing completion I find myself stalling. To be honest, the whole project could have been done last month if I pressed hard enough, but I didn’t want to. I took me a while to figure out why I’ve been stalling and the reason is simple, I’m scared. What started out as exciting is now turning into fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of it not being good enough. Fear of being happy and feeling
“The cheesecake is brown,” I said to myself. “It’ll be fine.” This reaction surprised me. There used to be a time when a brown cheesecake, instead of white, was unacceptable. In fact, this time last year, I would have tossed the whole thing into the sink and started over. Crazy behavior… I know, but this used to be me. I’ve always had a need for perfection. It didn’t become a real problem until I hit 26 and started addressing all my childhood issues. Addressing it all was so overwhelming. Molestation, abuse, and rape – my childhood was far from perfect.
We’ve been in our new place for 3 weeks and I’m starting to feel settled. We just need a couple more things to make it feel a bit more “homey.” The one thing I’m enjoying most about being settled is… my morning routine. Which is surprising since I normally hate getting up in the morning. But now that I have a routine, getting up isn’t so bad. And, sticking to it is so much easier now that we are in one spot. In the morning, I get up, work out, eat healthy and do some writing while watching the sunrise
This early morning mountain view, Has me thinking about me and you. Will I ever see you again? Was 8 years ago really the end? I found those pearls you gave me, you know the ones, You gave them to me the day I turned 21, 4 years before I told you that we were done. I cried and almost threw them away, But didn’t, because there was something sweet about that day. The pearls had me feeling emotional, Our relationship is so dysfunctional. It’s Bittersweet, I must confess, How can a pair of pearls turn me into such a
I recently participated in Rob’s Blackout Trip in Ireland. A Blackout Trip is where a group of people come together and “blackout” from technology. We went seven days with no tech. Here are my takeaways… 1. I use my phone as a safety clutch I’m not historically one to go up to someone new and start a conversation. When I’m in social settings where I don’t know anyone, I get nervous. When this happens, I pull out my phone and pretend to look busy so I don’t look like a loner. Pulling my phone out and pretending to be busy