When I heard the news that my Grandma had passed, I went numb.
I felt nothing.
This feeling of nothing lasted about two days and then I felt everything.
Sad. Angry. I cried uncontrollably.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been going through waves of numbness and sadness.
I’ve never lost anyone before, so this is new territory.
My grandma was awesome.
She was always the first one to call me on my birthday.
My phone would ring at 4 am and I’d answer being half asleep while she’s cheerfully singing Happy Birthday on the other line.
She made the best tostadas and enfrijoladas.
She always got me fluffy socks for Christmas.
She supported me in marrying Rob.
And when things fell apart with my mom during my wedding planning process, she came to the rescue.
She took me to get a veil and came to the final dress fitting, making sure I wasn’t alone.
We got tacos afterwards.
When I spoke up about being sexually abused, she didn’t turn her back on me.
She believed me.
She kept in touch with me.
She supported my healing.
She was one of the first ones to buy my kid’s book.
She told me she was proud of me.
She constantly emailed me that she loved me
She apologized for not protecting me.
She always messaged me on holidays and anniversaries.
She was such a loving Grandma.
The best Grandma.
I’m sad I didn’t get to see her one last time.
It breaks my heart to know she died alone in a hospital.
But I’m slowly finding a sense of peace knowing she’s finally at peace.
I will always miss her.
I will miss the way she called me “Mija.”
And how she called me “Yack” in her thick Mexican accent because she had a hard time pronouncing her J’s.
Jumbo Jack cheeseburgers at Jack in the Box were always,
I can still hear her voice yelling through the drive-through intercom for a “Yumbo Yack with sheez.”
It was always so cute.
It’s these little memories that make me smile through the waves of sadness.
My favorite memory of all was from when I was ten years old.
We were in the kitchen. Just my grandma and I.
She turned on the radio and Selena’s bidi bidi bom bom was playing.
We both started dancing and singing.
This wasn’t something that we normally did being that we were both quiet and shy.
But in that moment we weren’t.
We were carefree and having fun.
Which is why this memory it’s extra special to me.
She was so happy and so was I.
Bidi bidi bom bom was our jam.
And it will forever be.