adult years

Not Just Another Blog Post

My line in the sand

It’s been a while.
My last Instagram post was last November, nearly six months ago.
My last blog post was in January.
It’s practically May and I’ve done one post this year.
I kept telling myself it was because…

“I hate social media.
I don’t like writing anymore.
I don’t have the time.”

But deep down, I knew these were just excuses.
Sometimes it’s easier to make up excuses than to be honest with myself.
And since I have always wanted my blog to be a place of honesty, here’s the truth…
I got really scared.

I woke up one day and realized that I was totally exposed around the subject of sexual abuse.
Especially with a blog and children’s book.
“I’ve shared too much,” I thought in a panic. “What do people think of me?”
I felt vulnerable, exposed, and above all embarrassed.

All my life I’ve wanted to keep quiet around the subject at all costs.
And when I found myself on the path of doing the opposite, I went into auto shut down mode and decided to hide.
Hiding and also doubting if I really want to keep moving forward with talking about these issues.

Do I want to be a voice that speaks up against sexual abuse?

I’ve been asking myself this question every day for the past six months.
And I’ve felt stuck.
Not ready to throw in the towel, but not ready to move forward.
Just stuck.

After months of feeling this way, I hate to admit that the only thing holding me back from moving forward is fear.

Fear of judgment, fear of haters, fear of being pitied, fear of sharing my story in front of people and breaking down in tears, fear of being verbally attacked by family members, and the fear of being looked at as someone who is emotionally unstable.

Looking back on the last six months, I now see that I’ve been making it all about me.
My fears.
My insecurities.
My unwillingness to step out of my comfort zone.
Me, me, me, me, me.
When it really isn’t about me at all.

For me, it’s about making sure kids know that they can say “No” to inappropriate touching.
It’s about letting others know that they can, in time, find healing from sexual abuse.
But I can’t do this if I continue to hide behind fear.

It’s taken me a long time to write this post.
I must have written 47 versions of it.
I’ve really struggled with the question of, “Do I quit, or do I move forward?”

The only reason I would quit is out of fear and, to me, this is not a reason.
It’s a cop-out.

So, while this may seem like just another blog post.
It’s not. It’s so much bigger.
This post is me deciding and committing to being a voice for those who have experienced sexual abuse but haven’t found their voice yet.
I will move forward no matter how scary it seems or how uncomfortable it may get.
I will post, I will share and I will not be embarrassed to share my book.

There are certain moments in life that can change everything.
I witnessed something last week that has changed how I look at my story.
I will be sharing what I witnessed in next week’s post.

But for now, just know that I’m here.
And I’m no longer going to allow my fear and insecurities stop me.
Because it’s not about me anymore.

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