adult years

My Early Morning Thoughts

I went for a run outside which is something I never do.
I’m a gym person because I like to work out to loud music with people around.
But right now I’m in Ireland and there isn’t a gym around for miles.

So there I was running, no music or people.
Just me and my thoughts.

I thought about my life.
And how much it has changed.
How much I have changed.
I thought Rob and how proud I am of him.
And how lucky I am to have married him.
I thought about Lucy and how I can’t wait to get back to her.
I thought about my dad and how grateful I am to have him back in my life.
And about his wife who is the most loving and giving person I’ve ever met.

Then I thought about my Mother,
And after feeling indifferent towards her for months, I felt something for her.
It wasn’t hate, it wasn’t anger, and it wasn’t love.
It was hope.
Hope that she is happy.
Hope that she is doing okay.
Hope that she will one day feel truly loved.
For the first time in years I wished my Mother well.
And it was genuine. 

Then I realized that part of healing is wishing those who have hurt you well.
After 8 years of holding on so tight, I think I’m finally ready let my Mother go, once and for all.

Because I have a great life and people who love me.
People who I love.
And dwelling on the love I never received from her is no longer serving me.

Letting her go is something I’ve always known I had to do, but I’ve never felt completely ready until this morning.

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