adult years

The Pressure I Feel Right Now

I’m turning 33 tomorrow.
I used to be scared of getting older, but now I’m starting to be okay with it.

Still, I don’t think I’ll ever be one to welcome wrinkles and grey hairs.
But, my physical appearance is the least of my worries right now.
Right now, it’s my biological clock that has my attention.

As I get older, my window of opportunity to have children shrinks.
And it’s happening so fast.
I feel like I just turned 30.
And when I turned 30, I told myself, “I’ll worry about having kids at 33, I have time.”
Oh, hello 33.

When it comes to children, do I really want them?
I don’t know.
There was a moment when I thought I did.
But now, I find myself unsure.
It’s a big decision.
As of now, there is not one ounce of me that wants a baby.

I figured by now, I would feel some kind of urge to have kids.
Most women do, but I don’t.
Maybe something is wrong with me.
Or, maybe it’s the fact that there is still so much I want to do.

After years of feeling lost and confused, I feel like I’m just now finally discovering who I am, what I stand for and what I want to accomplish in this lifetime.
I don’t want to lose sight of all this.
I don’t want pregnancy or a child to hold me back.

I also don’t want my life to change.
Whenever I talk to parents the first thing they say is, “Having kids will change your life.”
And my response is always, “But, I like my life, and I don’t want it to change.”
Rob and I have a great life.
We travel and we have freedom.
I’m not ready to give this adventurous lifestyle up.

Rob always reminds me that we can bring the kids with us on our travels.
This is true, but I can’t imagine it being the same.

Whenever I see parents traveling with young babies they always look so stressed.
Going through airport security is always such an ordeal.
They have strollers, car seats, cluttered diaper bags and usually a screaming kid on the hip.
All of which seems like a nightmare to me.

Years ago we set a deadline, no kids after 35.
We set this deadline for health reasons.
Well, 35 is a short two years away, so if we’re going to have a child, it would have to be soon.

The thought of bringing a child into our lives is terrifying.
I’m not ready, but I feel the pressure to be ready.

But what if I removed the deadline, and gave myself the option to have kids after 35?
Would that take the pressure off?
Women are having children later in life nowadays, so it’s possible.
But, the longer I wait, the higher the risks.

If I knew for certain that I wanted a kid in this lifetime, I would do it right now to avoid all risks.

There is something holding me back from having a child.
And that something has nothing to do with travel or my goals.
I know tons of Mom’s who travel and have successful careers.
It’s something deeper.
I don’t know what it is.
Are my mommy issues back?
I thought I got rid of those.
I don’t know.
And this decision isn’t just about me and how I feel.
It’s Rob’s decision too, and I think we need to really sit down and talk about it.

I feel so confused right now.
I don’t believe in having a child before I’m ready.
When and if I have a kid, I want it to be because I really want one.

I’m 33, I feel like I should know what I want by now.
All I know is that I need more time.
More time to figure out if having kids is something I want.

I’m usually excited about birthdays.
But with this birthday I feel a sense of pressure.
That one extra candle on my cake is giving me a lot to think about.

Are there any other women out there that feel this pressure?

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2 Comments

  1. I get it. I definitely have gone back and forth on this issue for a while now. No answers yet. But you are not alone.

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