adult years

This Clarity Is Shitty

Last week, I wrote a post called What I’m Struggling With Right Now.
In the post I blame my Mother’s boyfriend for

keeping my Mother and sisters from me.
Because I know how manipulative he is.

“Surely, he’s the reason why my Mother hasn’t reached out.”
“And surely he’s the reason why my sisters hate me now.”
“If he could just die already, then we could fix things and be a family,” has been my thought process for the last seven years.
Not normal, I know.

But, last week’s post got me thinking.
And it became very clear that,
He’s not keeping them from me.
They chose not to be in my life.

After realizing this,
The old me would have gotten angry and cried for days.
That would have been okay if I genuinely felt that way,
But to my surprise I didn’t because I realized that,
I too choose not to have them in my life.

As much as I love them,
I love myself more.
And loving myself means not allowing unsupportive, toxic people in my life.
Even if they are family.

While He is the source of conflict,
Conflict being the fact that he sexually abused me as a child and my family defends HIM.
He isn’t keeping us apart.
We are all grown women now.
We can all make our own choices.
And we have all made the choice to live life without each other.

While I’m not defending HIM,
Taking the blame off HIM has allowed me to see things clearly.

And this clarity is shitty.
Because we are family and we should want to be in each others lives.
We should be getting together for holidays, birthdays, and Sunday BBQ’s.
But this is not the case.
And never will be.

For last seven years I have been hoping that we will one day reunite.
And holding this hope has been emotionally draining.

So now that I have this clarity, I feel like I can focus on myself.
And move forward in life without them.

Sometimes the clarity I receive isn’t the clarity I want, but it’s what I need.
So I guess in a way, this shitty piece of clarity isn’t so shitty after all.

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