adult years

What I’m Struggling With Right Now

I have always placed all of my anger on my Mom.
In fact, for the past year I have been referring to her as simply Her.I couldn’t get myself to write the word, “Mom.”
If you look back on earlier posts you will see the word Her a lot.

Now, I can write the word, “Mom.”

I feel my hate for her fading, as well as the hurt.
It doesn’t mean I want her back in my life.
It doesn’t mean I love her.
And it doesn’t mean that what she did was right.
It just means the anger and hurt she has caused doesn’t control me like it once did.

But as that fades, another type of hate seems to be coming to the surface.
One that I have been avoiding for years.

It’s the hate for her piece of shit, child molesting, rapist boyfriend.
Yes, I just wrote that.
Is writing that healthy? Probably not, but maybe.
It felt good to write it.
And is burying my anger more healthy than sharing it?

I’m struggling with this anger.
Not only did he abuse me as a child, but he has turned my mother and sisters against me.
For that, I will HATE him forever.
And I will enjoy hating him for the rest of my life and not even flinch on the day he dies.

Why am I sharing this?
Because this is where I’m at right now.
It feels good to let it out.
I’m always holding back and trying to act composed.

I know I need to address this anger.
Because it is causing anger in my heart.
I still hold him responsible for what he did.
And even though he is responsible for it,
It’s my responsibility to heal my heart.

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