early childhood

What I Would Have Told My Five Year Old Self

I have always felt a lot of of shame,
And embarrassment around my story.
And last week it got to me.

I didn’t want to write about it.
I didn’t want to think about it.
So, I didn’t write last week.

To be honest, I was sick of my story.
I wanted to delete my whole blog, and act like my story never happened.

And lately, I’ve been I wondering, “Am I sharing too much?”

I thought about this question all last week.
And out of fear of being the girl who feels sorry for herself,
Or the girl who just whines all the time,
I neglected my blog.

Then I went to visit my Dad.
And in his living room was a picture of me at five years old.
I remembered taking that picture very clearly.
And I remembered that it was taken before I was ever sexually molested.

And as I stared at my five year old self through the picture frame,
I teared up.
Because in the picture, I was so happy.
Innocent, unexpecting with no worries.
I had no idea that my life would soon turn into a nightmare.

At that moment, I wished I could go back in time and tell my five year old self,
“Bad things are going to happen to you little Jack, and when it happens, don’t be afraid to speak up.”

When I went to bed that night, the picture was still in my head.
I kept wishing I could go back and save my five year old self from everything she was about to endure.
Things that no child should ever be exposed to.

Then I realized,
I can’t go back and save five year old Jack.
But what I can do is help others.
Because there are a lot of five year olds out there that are being molested right now.
Who are scared to speak up.
Like I was.
There are a lot of women out there that are burying and bottling their pain.

After this realization, I suddenly had my answer to the question that had been stalling my writing.

And the answer is “No.”
I don’t share too much.
If anything, I probably don’t share enough.

And as for my story,
I can turn my story into something good.

And instead of looking at my story as an embarrassing burden,
Look at it for what it can become,
A story that can help others.

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3 Comments

  1. You are absolutely right my lovely daughter in law! You are helping others by sharing your story! I say share as much as you feel like !God has blessed you with a wonderful talent for writing!He says for us to use the gifts he gives us!Kudos to you !I am proud of you!

  2. Love you Jack and I am proud of you! If your story can help just one person, you change their world for the better. Don’t stop sharing as long as you have something to say! Miss you!

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