early childhood

Don’t Leave Me Waiting By The Window

“Do you want to come for Easter?” I asked nervously.
Even at 32 years old, the question still scares me.

Growing up, my Dad was never there.
He was an alcohol and drug addict.
And now he’s been sober for over 20 years.

I am proud of him because I remember how bad it used to be.
And honestly, I never thought he would clean up.

We reunited seven years ago after 15 years of not having a relationship.
And our relationship since reconnecting has been rocky.
You can’t force a relationship over night.
Especially with all of the hurt feelings from the past.

But having him in my life is important to me.
And I have fun talking with him.

So, I invited him to Easter dinner this year.
And we don’t spend much time together in person, so this is a special moment.
And I am nervous.
Because growing up, he was always flaky.
And I never knew if he was going to show up and pick me up when it was his turn.

I remember being a little kid and looking out the window, just waiting for him to pick me up for the weekend.
Only to have him not show up.
And be disappointed.

He was supposed to visit me last year, but didn’t show up.
I didn’t talk to him for months.
I cut him out of my life because that’s what I do.
You hurt me, and you’re out..
I cut Her out seven years ago.
But cutting Her out, although painful, I knew it was right.
Cutting my Dad out didn’t feel right.
So, we worked through it.

Our relationship is very much a work in progress.
But it’s refreshing that he’s open to working on it.
He listens when I talk and doesn’t judge.
Or lecture.

But, I still have this fear that he’ll be a no show.

He called me yesterday saying he needed to talk about Easter.
“He’s calling to bail,” I thought.
But he wasn’t.
He said he might be coming a little later than expected because of work.
I was relieved for the moment, but I can’t help still having doubts.

Oh please don’t leave me waiting by the window.
I hate to admit it.
But there is still this little girl inside of me that is afraid her Dad isn’t going to show.

I thought about not inviting him, so there wouldn’t be a possibility of getting hurt.
But, that’s no way to live.

The invite’s out and he’s planning on coming.
So, if he comes, he comes.
If he doesn’t, he doesn’t.

Either way, I’m proud that I put myself out there.


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