This is the question I can’t seem to let go of.

Because there are a lot of “Why’s” in my life that have not been answered.
And I struggle with it so much.

I relive every moment and detail in my head trying to figure out.
“Why did this happen?”
“Why did that happen?”
“Why did he do that to me?”
“Why did she do that to me?”
“And why didn’t I see it coming?”

I have been obsessed with having to know “Why”

Is knowing why he raped me going to give me peace?
Is knowing why she calls me a liar and defends him really going to give me closure?
Honestly, it will probably just piss me off more than I already am.

But yet, I put so much time into figuring it out.
And not only time, my most precious asset, but also…
On having to know “Why”

“But if I could just know “Why”…then I can let it all go.”
This was my thought process for years.
And since I’m being honest, it still is my thought process.
Just not as bad. And now I’m aware of it.
But, part of me still needs to make sense of it all.

And my desperate need to know “Why” is driving me crazy.
And I bring it upon myself.
Every single day,
When I focus on the “Why,”
I stall my own healing.
Because I get worked up.
I get so pissed off that I want to pick up the phone and scream and curse them both out until I lose my voice.
And I’m not a screamer.
Or much of a cusser.

It’s like I backtrack.
And when I do, it makes it harder for me to let go.
And move on.

Because the truth is, I will probably never know “Why”
More importantly, there is no good reason “Why” any of it happened.
Logically, I know this.
But emotionally, I still struggle.

So I guess the better question is,
“Why do I need to know Why?”

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