adult years

Why I don’t Want To Heal.

Back in October, I started the blog and posted “My Story.”
A friend challenged me to write on two subjects:1. Why I want to heal? And
2.Why I don’t want to heal?

The first question made sense.
The second question caught me off guard.
No one had ever asked me that before, but I instantly knew the answer.

I’ve procrastinated writing on either subject.
But, it’s time.

Why I Want To Heal

All this pain.
All this anger.
It’s all a distraction.

I can be having an incredible moment and that moment can be instantly
saddened by a simple memory.

The past controls me right now.

The past makes me so emotional.
I get angry.
I get sad.
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I want revenge.

I hate it.

I hate that I have so much hate inside of me.
Because I am not a hateful person.

The longer I hold onto my story and my past, the angrier I get.
The more scared I get.
I don’t want to live the next 32 years in anger.
In fear.
Tense and stressed.

The past comes with a lot of issues.
Issues that are turning me into something I don’t want to be.
Issues that have been weighing on me for years.
It’s time to let go.
It’s time to heal.

Why I Don’t Want To Heal

I hate to admit it.
But, I’m afraid to heal.

As much as I want to let go of my anger, I am afraid to let it go.
Being angry is my comfort zone.

If my anger is gone, I’ll have nothing to hide behind.
And it will be time to step into my true self.
And stepping into my true self terrifies me.
It involves being seen and being heard- two things I have avoided my entire life.

I may sound like a coward, but it’s how I feel.

I have a fear of healing and letting go of my story.
And it’s because I know who I can become without it.
I don’t know how it will take shape.
I don’t know the specifics.
All I know is that there is more for me than being a scared little girl.

 

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